i'm making my own list.

That's right, i feel that i now have the ability to create the "Before I had kids..." list...the things that I felt/thought i'd never do before i actually had kids myself. I think the culminating moment was the other day, as i was driving myself and the 3 kids back to virginia from PA in the blue beast (mini-van...hmph...that will make the list by the way). All is going, pretty well, all things considered on the trip back. baby took a nap, colin took a nap, andie was watching a movie...and then, the preverbial shit hit the fan. About an hour out, what seems all at once, the baby starts screaming bloody murder (clearly i'm late serving him his lunch), colin is yelling "i have to pee, i have to pee, i have to go NOOWWW" over and over as i'm on the interstate and then i hear the little tiny, girly, angelic voice from andie say "oh, i already pooped in my pants" with a giant smile on her face. That's right folks...boy am i in a pickle, i have a 5 month old who wants fed, from my body parts none the less, a 4 year old who is threatening to "i'm going to pee on andie if we don't stop soon!!!", and then the 2.5 year old who decided to rather than tell me she had to go, she'd just poop where she sat and go on with the trip. So, I drive my circus on wheels to the nearest mcdonalds off an exit i can find. I don't know why i chose a mcdonalds, it just seemed like where i should go if i have a hungry baby, a child that's about to urinate on his sister, and a girl that has pooped smeared on her bottom. I pull into the parking lot, parker still screaming, andie still smiling, and colin JUMPS out of his seat, opens the van door and runs to the side of my car and in a crowded McDonalds parking lot at lunch time drops his pants to the ground and urinates. I'm screaming "pull your pants up! pull your pants up!" and parker is screaming and i'm now trying to undress and de-contaminate andie's lower half. Boy did i get some looks, and it is one of the few times where i have to admit, i'd be staring too if i was an onlooker!!! I round up the crew and decide after all of that, maybe i ought to stop in that mcdonalds and buy the kids some lunch and feed parker before getting back on the road. But this is what made me think...i should write a list. ANd so it is.

The things i swore i'd never do/or would always do when IIIII have kids:

1) my child will NEVER be screaming throwin him/herself on the floor in a public store.
Oh yes, i used to scour at those moms whose toddlers/preschoolers would be throwing themselves to the floor screaming bloody murder all while the mom looks like a crazy person dragging the child up. And then, low and behold, i find that not being able to run up and down aisles pulling cookies of shelves at target is the PERFECT reason for a usually well mannered 2 year old to throw self on floor and refuse to move while screaming. That dead weight is HEAVY i tell you! and it SCREAMS bloody murder when you try to move it!

2) I will NEVER bribe my kids with candy and cookies to get them to behave.
Oh yes i damn well will!! It's amazing what "if you please just sit still while i grocery shop i'll buy you a donut" will do for a child! And I'm not above using "if you eat 4 bites of that $8.54 cent meal i just bought for you that you said you wanted and now won't touch, i'll give you a marshmallow" line...

3) those kids leashes are SO rediculous i can't believe a parent would do that!
WRONG again! now i myself have not had to use a leash, but i have seen friends with kids that DEFINATELY benefited. There are some little angels that we moms like to refer to as "runners" that's right, you set that squirmy child down on the ground for a second and off they go tearing through airports, shoppin malls, zoos...and "just keep them in a stroller?" have you seen a "runner" sit still in a stroller for a long period of time?!? um NO! those leashes have their place!

4) the "i cant believe their parents let them go out in public like that!".
you know the child, the one who's hair is disheveled, wearing a pajama shirt with khaki pants and water shoes...peanut butter and jelly smeared on their face. Well, when you have 3 kids, getting out the door with all 3 kids actually making it in the car is a feat in itself! and imagine actually making it to your destination on time with all 3 kids, it's a miracle! so, i dont care what shoes are on, or if the hair looks like lightening struck the house, if everyone made it to the destination i consider it a success!!!

5) I won't use the tv as a babysitter. How irresponsible!
Praise our dear Lord and God for creating on demand. I set that thing to mickey mouse or special agent oso, and a miracle happens...I get to eat breakfast, and sometimes if i'm lucky i get to fit in an un-attended bathroom break!

and finally

6) i won't be one of those moms who gets together with other moms and has drinks while the children play.
ummm thank GOD for other "on the brink" mom friends who understand that by dinner time sometimes it's far more important to have some red wine while the kids pick at whatever carbohydrate based thrown together dinner they are having rather than creating a special bree vandecamp sit down meal. this is especially important when the husbands/dads are off God only knows where in this world "working" while we are "staying at home".

that's all for now. I don't even have a number for most things that happen around here, because most of the things i experience with 3 children i could never have imagined or knew existed. See story at beginning...
i would like to ad, that while i type this,(holding a sleeping parker) i hear "london bridge" playing over, and over, and over from some musical thing in this house and i have NO idea where it's coming from.