DIE fruit flies DIE!

Just want to take a moment, to give a brief notation on how to kill fruit flies since apparently my house is their new embassy and has been for 2 weeks. I've read so many tutorials online, and they are all a joke. Here's the REAL list.

Top 10 ways to kill a fruit fly:

10) Rifle...don't recommend...only puts a big hole in your wall, and the fruit fly gets out of the way too quickly. Said new hole in wall only makes a pathway for more fruit flys to enter your home.

9) Baseball Bat - nah...don't be tempted. Even though it seems like a good idea when a group of them are sitting on your counter, it will ONLY damage the counter and fruit flies will miraculously remain UNHARMED. As a matter of fact, if anything it scares baby fruit flies right out of momma frui fly's hoo-has.

8) Drown them with the hose - i'm telling you, they are resilient. While this will probably help to clean off some of your walls, and may even give the dog a bath...fruit flies will NOT be drowned mid air by a flushing of 100 mph water. if anything it just gives them a new environment to breed...nothing like fruit fly sex in a shower.

7) Banging them with your shoe - you will end up maybe killing 1 or 2 out of 100,000, but that footprint it leaves on your cabinets will take you an exhausting amount of time to clean up.

6) Shooing them into the microwave and nuking - don't do it...it takes too long to breeze them in there, and then you only really radiate a couple at a time and then you have a mess to clean up.

5) Going postal with a can of Raid - picture screaming AAHAHAHAHAHAH suckers DIE! and the cloud of chemical beast that outpours. It will kill about 5 - 10...along with severl of your own braincells and stink up your whole house. You'll want to punch your wall when 10 minutes later it seems twice the amount of fruit fly's are back in the same place.

4) The mid air jump and clap - in the off chance that you actually smack a sucker between your hands rather than just blowing it away with your the airflow you create, you'll probably just cramp and hurt your hand from the force and end up with a splotch of 1 fruit fly blood and wing matter on your hands. And who really want's that when you have an army of about 60,000 more to go?

3) Glass of red wine sitting on your counter - after several ours of watching your glass of red wine only drown 2 fruit flies and intoxicate a few others, you'll want to drown your own sorrows into that cup of wine, which was probably the last you had in the house. Not worth the waste of a perfectly good glass of wine.

2) Apple sider vinegar in a cup with saran wrap over and a few holes poked in wrap - NOW we're getting somewhere. You will probably attract an entire colony of fruit flies with this trap. This is not a bad way to go, except for the fact that it takes a long time and you'll end up with about 45 stupid ones that will remain on top of the wrap because they can't figure out how to get through the tiny holes, and then when you go near the cup tey all fly up in the air and laugh at you as you start to cry.

1) Jar, with a piece of decaying banana, apple cider vinegar, soap and a paper funnel leadin ginto the jar - PERFECTION!!!!!! you will catch so many you will be utterly disgusted. How did you have 50,000 fruit flies in your house?!?!?! You don't CARE! because they are now in your jar, DEAD! and you LAUGH! Until the next morning, when you get up and realize that, that jar actually attracted neighboring fruit flies from the counties surrounding you, and now your house has about 150,678 more fruit flies knocking down your door to get it.

My suggestion: Make some adobo with your apple cider vinegar, Drink a vat of red wine, sit on your porch with your rifle in one hand, bat in the other, hose down your neighbors as they drive by and raid some grasshoppers. You'll save yourself the frustration and at least you'll be outside without a care in the world as the fruit flies are making themselves comfortable in your bed.