your due date

Dear Asher,
It's August 21st!  Today, according to medical science, you are "due" to come.  Since I lost you, this date has been in my head.  Constantly counting time until the newly dreaded day.  Truly, for many reasons, this date shouldn't mean much.  After all, all of your siblings were late if given the chance so I suspect had you been given more of a chance you wouldn't have been making your appearance.  But it does stand for something.  AND as it is, this was also your sister andie's due date!  She was evicted a day early though. 
I have been thinking about this day for so long that it seems that the earth should erupt in fire, or some sort of  major thing should be taking place, but instead it's just another ordinary day.  This day has a lot of pressure though, because in my mind if I could JUST make it past the due date then certainly mentally I would have some relief because then I shouldn't be pregnant anymore.  I have felt in a state of limbo as my body is one way, but it doesn't feel like it should be.  I'm realizing though, that this is more complicated than dates.  Now it won't be " I should still be pregnant" but rather "Asher should be here". 
You should be in our next family portraits, you should be waking me at night by crying to eat, I should be holding you for hours staring into your eyes.  But, this isn't the case.  I instead am constantly trying to figure out how to represent you more in our family, and I'm being woken up at night by thoughts of you, and I look at your pictures to get a sense of you.
In an effort to try and make something positive of the day, I went to the bakery and paid for a little boys birthday cake that was ordered for today (as suggested by other mothers in the same position).  Now, she showed me several slips so I could choose which one.  there were only a couple little boy birthday options...a Christian, and a Michael.  I thought both were highly appropriate but decided upon Michael's 2nd birthday cake...a mickey mouse cake.  Of course, because it couldn't be straight forward, it turns out that this 20 dollar cake was actually a 34 dollar cake because they ordered it with ganache in it.  What a fancy little 2 year old.  I wavered, as I wanted to do something kind, but maybe not that kind. :)  I went with it anyway.  Hoping that it's a nice little surprise when they go to pick it up that it's already paid for. 
Thinking of you baby boy, today and always.
Love,
mom