The Carved Cup

the carved cup

why am I sharing

It has taken me a very long time to blog again.  It isn't because i don't have anything to say, but rather because i have so much to say that i don't even know where to start.  I feel like i have a whole book worth of things, but no idea how to write a book. I don't even understand the reason I feel compelled to write and share. I'm not self centered so much that I think everyone should be interested in my life. And WHY would anyone want to read this.  Im not special and certainly my story pales in comparison to many people. This is not intended to be a testimony or preaching Christianity.  It is a part of the story however.  My story may be quite insignificant to most, and I'm certainly ok with that.   But maybe it will bring comfort in some way, or maybe for one that really needed to read this,  this is for you.

I fear that others think i still think about, talk about, write about Asher's pregnancy, birth, his passing too much.  A lot of it is my own thinking that my sorrow, my grief certainly can't compare to losing a child that has been living outside the womb. Can it?  That somehow i don't deserve to feel grief. But thoughts and reality are much different.  The truth is, I am that experience, I am him, and he and that experience has changed me.  I have been told time and time again by professionals, family, and friends that I have to be kind to myself.  It has taken me nearly a year to begin to understand what that meant.  This is step one in being kind to myself, allowing myself to a guilt free recognition of my journey (as you can see from my self bashing in paragraph one, it's still a work in progress).

Life after Asher

After I lost Asher, and his subsequent birth, I had the hardest year i have faced yet.  A part of me thought that I shouldn't be THAT effected by having a child stillborn.  Part of that was me being naive, a part of that was societies and even some family's mixed beliefs on the realness of a child born still.  The mixed messages that a  baby that doesn't count enough to have a birth certificate even though he was of age to survive outside of the womb, and my body knowing inherently otherwise. but legalities and my heart and mind certainly didn't match.  Because his last heart beat was inside instead of outside he doesn't "count".   Sadly this is not unique to me, many with a similar story struggle in the same way.  It complicates grief.   But the actual reality, the real life reality, is he was and is very much a real part of our family.  It has effected every part of me and the family.  I found myself in the lowest of the lowest place i have ever been in several months after i had him, and it has taken several more months to come to grips with the fact that losing him has had a huge mental effect on me.  PTSD, Anxiety, OCD, Depression, all hit at once.  And it was SCARY.  I have been so fortunate to have had terrific doctors and therapists that helped me get on track.  But still everyone in our family has been effected, some more than others.  I had a whole pregnancy of questions from the kids asking if maddox was going to die too.  Nearly every night. Even little presley who can't quite grasp Asher would randomly say Asher is up in heaven, why can't i go up there and visit him?   But the bad, that isn't what i really want to talk about.  I want to talk about the amazing, almost "impossible" things I have come to know in the past year.

the hardest year 

After I lost Asher, I was questioning every part of my faith.  I had a very hard time going to church.  I wasn't angry at God, I was confused.  Just entering church and thinking about Jesus taking care of him now, not I, had me in tears.  I had always been the, everything happens for a reason thinker.  But i couldn't find ANY reason that was a good enough reason to lose my son.  And this isn't going to say that oh there was a reason he died.  No, i don't believe everything happens for a reason now.  What i do believe, is that through every experience comes new learning.  I owe asher for much.  I have renewed faith, and I can say, that i for certain know there is something on the other side. I'm not going to pretend that i fully understand by any means, but things have been shown to me that in my previous 34 years of living i hadn't seen.  I hesitate to tell these things to anyone because well, they seem impossible, or "crazy", but these things did happen.  The perception of coincidence or purpose is unique to everyone. 

happen stance or signs?

Coincidence.  How much can be chalked up to coincidence?  I have found myself questioning that very question over and over this past year.  I was told there would be "signs" of him.  Signs, i thought, were all probably things the grieving search for and find only because they are looking, and really they weren't truly a sign, rather just wishful thinking.  I have written off many things in the i'm searching too hard category.  The first night after i gave birth to Asher i had many disconcerting dreams intermixed with songs playing.  The songs were "you raise me up", and a psalm from church that i hadn't heard in years.  I don't know where they came from, but they were a calming presence and a sense of peace amidst such angst.  I had a very vivid dream that night.  I was a dear,how odd because i've never fancied dears.  I was a dear running through the forest  scared and running for safety. I had two of my young fawns running right behind me, and I turned my head around and watched one get shot and die.  Clearly one of the ways my brain was processing the trauma of suddenly losing Asher and his delivery.  What I didn't realize at the time was that the fawn would soon be my way of connecting with Asher.

A few days later, matt and the kids were at the gym.  As they were leaving, driving out of a very busy shopping plaza, a single fawn stood in the grass right next to them.  My son Colin when i got home said "mom! we just saw a tiny fawn right off the side of the street all by itself!".  I hadn't told them of my dream of course, but i thought wow, what a coincidence!  A few weeks later, i'm having a very rough morning.  I open up facebook and the first thing i see on the newsfeed is a post from the PWC police about a fawn who had managed to get separated from its mother and was stuck inside someone's yard. while momma dear stood outside of the fence watching him.   through a joint effort the fawn was rescued  and reunited it with his mother.

 

 

Now again, it could have been coincidence, but I really started thinking that this was ashers way of saying hello, i'm ok, and i'm here.   Since then, and over the course of the next few months I saw a single fawn in random places as i'm driving.  I don't live in a particularly rural area, so i don't see fawns too often on the side of roads.  But I still thought, probably coincidence, but maybe just maybe.  But it wasn't until 2 weeks before maddox's arrival that i knew.  I had a very rough end to the pregnancy with illness, and infection, and scary moments where they didn't know what was wrong.  My anxiety was awful.  I felt deep inside that maddox wasn't going to be alive.  I took my dog bella for a walk one morning.  I was emotional and just kind of saying, please God, give me a break, I need a break.  then right off the side of the sidewalk we were walking on, on a busy street (cardinal dr.) a fawn stood.  A very young fawn.  and he stood about 2 feet away looking at bella and I.  It was someones back yard.  I was shocked at how he wasn't spooked by myself or my giant bulldog.  he stayed right there, would turn and eat some grass and then turn back to us. I felt a sudden rush of peace.  As if it was being conveyed to me that everything is going to be ok.  That in some way, Asher was with us.  Bella and I get home from our walk, and I was thinking ok, it's going to be ok.   But the stranger than fiction part, is that when i walk bella through the front door i see a little fawn stuffed animal sitting on the chair.  I had never seen that stuffed animal in our house ever.  I asked my kids, "hey where did this fawn come from?" to which no one knew.  Stranger, no one claimed it as theirs which in my house of kids is shocking.  I said, well it had to get here somehow.  Andie said presley noticed it and took it over to the chair but it didn't come from their room.  the boys said they had never seen it, and I certainly never bought a dear stuffed animal for the kids.  That's when Colin piped up "It must be from Asher"  Regardless of where it came from, or who might have someone purchased it for one of the kids some archaic time ago, the fact that on that day, at the end of THAT walk, i enter the house to see a little fawn that mysteriously appeared, sitting on our chair...and that is too much to be a coincidence. 

 

 

Rainbows

In the loss community,  a baby born after a loss of a baby/child is called a rainbow baby.  The day of my first appointment, i was nervous.  I for sure thought there wouldn't be a heartbeat.  And if there was a heart beat i figured it wouldn't last long.  But at that appointment, he was there, with a strong heart beat.  Someone going through the anxiety I was isn't appeased very long by these things.  Now that there was a heartbeat, my mind and body believed that at some point it would stop beating.  It was inevitable. I was worried almost triple at that point.  I get in the car and drive home and as I turn the corner towards my driveway I find a perfect, big rainbow over our house.  I thought for a minute, hi Asher, are you telling me he's going to be alright?

Even more amazing to me was the day after Maddox was born.  It was time to take Maddox home.   We get in the car to go home and as soon as the car starts, and the radio comes on, we hear "there should be a rainbow out there right now".  Matt and I just looked at each other.  And as if on cue we pull out of the hospital parking lot to see a vibrant rainbow. 

Maddox has certainly been a rainbow.  He came into this world very peacefully, I had a very almost impossibly comfortable natural  labor and delivery.  There was no yelling, or crying from myself or Maddox. Just huge relief and amazement.  As if he was born knowing just what we needed after his birth he was extremely calm, slept for very long stretches at night, and didn't even let out a cry the entire first week of his life.  He continues to amaze us with his awesome temperament, his amazing sleep habits, and his continuous smiles.  I have been a different mother to him than i was with any of my other newborns.  I'm not overly concerned about what time he goes to bed, rather i let myself indulge in cuddling him on the couch after the other kids are in bed.  I soak in every bit of him that I can.  I love having him sleep in his little bassinet right next to my bed and rather than anxiously waiting to get him into his own room, I find myself thoroughly enjoying the closeness.  I have felt intense joy and love and amazement with him.  I have a new lease on life in general...i appreciate all of my kids even more and am much more laid back and focused on the things that really should matter. 

the carved cup

There is a quote by Khalil Gibran "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain."  He goes onto explain just as knives carve a cup, the deeper the knives cut the more liquid they can contain.  Joy and Sorrow can and do coexist and can and do influence the other.  My cup has been carved deeper.  I have much thanks and appreciation for Asher.  Out of deep grief and sorrow I have also learned more joy than i ever had, a greater appreciation for the small things, and perhaps one of the greatest gifts he has given me is a peaceful contentment of death.  I don't fear death, rather he has helped to teach and show me that what i believed in is true.  One day I will be on the other side and that the other side does exist. He has managed to reaffirm the very faith I had completely lost after his death.  I have not a death wish, but I do not fear death.   

On his due date(a year later) I went upstairs and opened up the memory box the hospital had provided.  I keep the box tucked away.  I don't open it often, but when i feel the need I do.  I just wanted to see his footprints.  I opened up the tiny box inside of the box something i hadn't done in almost a year.  it contains an impression of his feet and a card with a saying and his birth stats.  I can't even remember looking at it when we got home.  Itook it out and touched the imprint of his perfect feet, bringing back a small rush of grief as the reality again sunk in.  He was here, even if just a short while.  Then I read the inscription on the other side.  It says "To touch and to feel the memory of your smallness fills my heart with the blessing and the reality of you".  I didn't realize at the time it was given to me how true those words were or how much i would need them and his imprints.  I have small regrets that i didn't have them save a lock of hair that they offered to do, or let my friend send a NILMDTS photographer.  But at the time, i didn't want them messing with him, he was perfect and i wanted him untouched not realizing how much i would appreciate those things in the future.